Adullt Proofing the House

People talk about "babyproofing" the house. Its a vague term before your kids are toddlers, and even vaguer before you have kids. I kind of envisioned going to 'babys r us' and purchasing a premade set of bumpers so that the playroom in the house would kind of resemble gymboree when done. Surely babyproofing referred to making sure there are no longer sharp edges and open electrical outlets. It would be the queen of all faux pas to allow either in the play area. This is common knowledge, even to the most inexperienced of all parents.

Here is what I didn't know: Babyproofing has less to do with keeping your kid safe and much more to do with keeping your stuff safe.

Playroom? Hah! We didn't have one anyway with our small home, but I had assumed the living room could double as the children sanctuary. (The kids would play quietly with their coloring books and Little People Toys and I would look on admiringly from the couch as I browsed through my magazines and bathed in the joy of parental ecstasy.)

The HOUSE is their playroom. My son figured out the mystery of opening doors at 18 months. My daughter was into my pantry and all of the spices and cooking supplies at 16 months. My bedroom and all of my carefully folded clothes has been common fodder for a long time. Its a miracle that my computer is still working after the daily abuse it gets from the kids. My piano keys are all chipped from the kids banging at them with various children toys. (all children toys can double as weapons.)

The list is unexaustable. Every material item I have ever loved or cherished has been broken beyond repair - my beautiful music note mug that reminded me of my life as a musician when I still had dreams for myself as I sipped delicious coffee in the morning - thrown to the floor and destroyed. The penpal collection of letters from exotic places that I will most likely never visit was thoughtfully thrown away. 4 cell phones and 1 digital camera have been destroyed. My 50 year old toilet with pieces that are no longer sold, is therefore no longer fixable after my kids discovered how utterly exciting it is to flush over and over again. They do not, however pee or poo into it. Instead they've done that on my couch, my throw rugs, my bed, my kitchen table.
It was too late that we discovered that instead of 'babyproofing' we needed to 'adultproof. This includes:
Double sided locks are installed on all doors. Key entry is required to enter or exit all doors. Keys are kept VERY high - too high for me, at 5'2''. If you've seen the movie, "The Others" with Nicole Kidman, you can imagine what life is like for us. Never unlock and open a door without first ensuring all other doors are closed and locked. If you need to use a bathroom very badly, you must first get a chair from the kitchen and bring it over to the bathroom door, stand on it, take the key down, and unlock the door. The chair in the kitchen is carried over the IMPOSSIBLE to open extra wide gate that has been installed into the wood. A gate that had to be placed so tight that it actually has loosened the stair banister prevents us from going upstairs to the attic. Latches seal the cabinets and drawers closed. Keyboard and mouse of the computer are not accessible unless you first reach behind the computer where we hide them from little hands. Curtains meant to hang down and look pretty to both inside and outside people are suspended way up high so that little Tarzans do not swing from them.
It has become so hard to move from one room to another, to plug anything in, to use any electronic devices, or to even just sit and read that I have been reduced to sitting and rocking back and forth on my couch for hours at a time while I contemplate why I became a parent in the first place.

This is the Angry Housemom